Where Do We Go Now?

I thought after my husband's passing that it would be right to let his blog rest a bit.  Actually, this is not a new concept to "Breathing".  From the beginning of his diagnosis with Pulmonary Fibrosis and the birth of his blog, when something in our lives happened, I never immediately ran to the key board to write the story.  Actually, it was quite the opposite.  I made an internal promise to emotionally digest the experience first then I would know better how the story wanted to be expressed.  The idea is that I am not writing his story.  His story has a life of its own and tells me how it wants to be written, using my fingers as the catalyst. 

As time progressed and toward the end of my husband's life, so many things began to happen that I began to feel as though time was pressing forward too fast.  So fast in fact, the stories themselves did not have enough time to resinate and therefore, never made it onto the keyboard.  Internally, I really did feel as though I was racing against a clock.  Then, to confirm my internal struggle, my husband was gone.

Grief is a funny thing.  No two people experience it the same way.  What if grief is the story that now lays upon my fingers?  I thought about why I began "Breathing" which was to put another personal connection to the disease of Pulmonary Fibrosis, so that others may stumble across it and find bits of understanding, information or connection.  How would a wife's grief fit into this picture?  Even if there is a place for this, did I trust myself to let the story tell itself as I always had? Did I trust the readers to find anything of value within this?

So, my friends, where do we go now? 

I suppose that in the larger realm of things, my husband's passing was in sense, an evolution.  There is no way he could have sustained and thrived in the condition that he was in.  He had no other choice but to move on and leave the things he was comfortable knowing in exchange for a bit of the unknown. 

Like two birds flying in sync, my life is doing the same.  

We are flying parallel, but in different realms. 

Make A Difference in The New Year

If you have ever read this blog or found yourself here for the first time, Thank You. 

This has been a labor of love on behalf of my husband who found himself diagnosed with this disease. 

There are many others out there...

Please help make a difference in the world by getting involved. 

Spread the word about Pulmonary Fibrosis. 

Do me this one favor and click the link--

http://www.pulmonaryfibrosis.org/involve

The Ring and The Card

As I wrote about in a story called "In A Safe Spot", my husband used to toy with me about the whereabouts of his wedding ring.  For quite sometime, the ring no longer fit on his finger. 

I found it not long after his passing.  It wasn't really that hard to find.  All I had to do was open up his closet and there is was, in a white box. 

I wear it everyday. 

I miss him so.

There was discussion about a lost birthday card, that he had all filled out and could not find.  It would have been the last card he actually signed -just for me.  I have not been looking for the card, although I was recently sent a box of chocolates. Well, all really good chocolates go, not in the kitchen, but in a little cubby, behind where my hubby sleeps. 

That way the kids do not eat it all ;) 

So, I went to the little cubby to place the box of chocolates and what do I see in the corner?  A soft gray envelope, just as he described it, slid into the corner.  I pulled the envelope out and without opening it, held it to my heart.  I knew I had found his lost birthday card to me.  You might think I am silly, but of course, I cried a bit.... and then put the card back where it was found. 

Unopened and unread. 

I really miss him.

photo 2 via

The Christmas Slippers

In an earlier post, I mentioned how my husband comprised a Christmas shopping list for our friend's daughter to pick up.  My hubby had to do this because he was too sick with Pulmonary Fibrosis to go out and unsure if he would make it to the holiday, my husband was so sweet to ensure that I would have presents under the tree on Christmas morn.

My husband's life did not last until Christmas, although sure enough, under the tree, there were packages and presents to me from him.  Before opening some of them, I felt I already knew what they were.  The young girl who did his shopping told me he was very specific about his list. 

There are just some things my hubby got me every year that I could always count on.  One of those things are slippers.  He wanted to always make sure my feet were warm around the house.  The style he always purchased for me were similar to the picture above, ballerina slippers.  So, when a certain package was handed to me on Christmas morning, I knew for sure it was my slippers.  My heart tugged a bit as I began to open the present.... 

Then, as I pulled them out of the package, I was surprised to meet these Christmas Elf slippers. 

As I write this, I have to chuckle.  For sure, this would not be what my husband would have normally picked.  Although, the sweet girl who shopped for him thought these are the slippers he wanted me to have. 

For the last few days, I have been walking around the house in these big, curly-toed, Elf-slippers.  They are actually pretty warm and not as difficult to navigate in as one might think, with he exception of walking up stairs.  While they are not my usual, romantic ballerina slippers- I can't help to think my husband is somewhere watching me wear these and is having a really good laugh.

xoxo

photo 1 via

Blue Jean Boy

Last night on Christmas Eve, I had a dream about my husband. 

He was just glowing and beautiful. 

His blonde hair, soft and curly.  His complexion, just dreamy. 

It was like he was covered in a light.  He was wearing what looked like a black tux. 

With a white shirt beneath. 

I was surprised by this image until I looked all the way at him and noticed his pants were the blue jeans he always wore. 

He looked so healthy and just the way I know him to be. 

 But, like a fool, I said, "Wait!   Where are you going?  You know you can't go out." 

Just then, I noticed that he did not have any oxygen on.  He was standing beautiful, pure and ready to go. 

"I have a doctor's appointment." He  said. 

"Is it possible you are actually getting better?"  I asked him. 

Then, the dream was over. 

It was my first dream about him since he passed. 

I look at this like the best Christmas present I could ask for. 

All day today, as you can imagine, I missed him.  I kept looking up and asking for his approval. 

"Do you think I am doing okay?  Can you see that I am trying very hard to handle what, I suppose, you believe I can?" 

Still, what could a wife want more than to see her hubby so lovely and glowing. 

So handsome and assured-

as he was last night in my dream.

photo via

Presents From The Sky

Last night my family had visitors.  My husband's best friend and family.  My husband's best friend is the person who introduced us and through my hubby's illness, his best friend never shied away from visiting him and just hanging out. 

Now, you have to realize that these two are tough men.  They have travelled the roads together, as my son likes to call them, asphalt cowboys.  They would take their trucks through the most of inclement weather; situations that would frighten most people, yet, did it with steady hands.  They have seen a lot together and shared many stories.  My husband and I have watched their children grow up as they have watched ours and we are lucky to have friends, who truly do have our back. 

So, in my room the whole group walks.  The Christmas tree next to my bed, glowing.  His daughter places an armful of presents in my lap.  Her shoulders begin to shake and she starts to  cry.  She says they are from my hubby.  He had asked her to buy my presents and she wanted me to know that each wrapped present he was very specific about.  These presents had been thought out by my hubby with no help or input from anyone.  They each had a special meaning for me.  We hugged and cried for a bit together. 

Then, to see his best friend's face well up with tears was more than anyone could handle, and soon the whole room just let it all out.  Later, they placed the presents under the tree.  This morning, I did what I would do in any situation, I picked up each one and shook them, just a little.  I was hoping it brought a smile to my husband's face to know that some things just never change. 

I am lucky to have shared the time I did with my husband and his thoughtfulness never ceases to amaze me.  I hope that everyone who reads this feels the same thoughtfulness on Christmas morning and and your heart warms with the contentment of sharing the holiday with the ones you love.
xoxo

photo via

Questions For My Hubby

Did you meet God?  What is it like?  Did it feel like a warm hug?

Do you now know all of the secrets in the world? 

Can you see beyond our Universe?

What do you feel like?  Are you healthy again?  Do you feel at peace?  If so, it that the only feeling you have or are there others?

Did you meet other people, your father, my grandmother, our dog Jade?

Can you see generations ahead, our children's grandchildren, even their grandchildren?

Can you see generations behind, people in your family that you have never met?

Are you in one spot or can you go other places?  Do you decide the places you can go and if so are there any limitations?

Do you have a purpose where you are at? 

How do you move around?  Do you just think about it and it happens? 

Do you sit down?  Or just hover?

Do you think of me?  Can you see me right now? 

Do you know how much I love you?

In Lieu of Flowers...

(Click the picture to find out how to help)

River-Rose's Charitable Life on Crowdrise