Friday, June 15, 2012

Since You Have Been Gone (6-months)

Dear Babe,

I can't believe that is has been six months since you passed away from Pulmonary Fibrosis.  Honestly, I can't believe that I have survived this long without you.  I constantly miss your touch, laughter, comfort.  I look for you in all things and everywhere I go.  Sometimes, I think I see you in a bird in the garden, a sunset, or the way the light dances across water.  Sometimes, I think I feel you in a warm breeze, or a caress across my hair.  Sometimes, I think I hear you in words that other people speak, in music and in silence. 

I still write to you every morning.  Small messages, or questions that you only know of.  I look for your response throughout the day.  

You always apologized for your perception of me taking care of you while you were sick.  I always told you that this was the easy part, the hard part was going to be living without you.  Everyday there is so much difficulties, trials, yet beauty.  Life is bittersweet.  For moments of loveliness, I wonder why you can't be here.  In moments of hardship, I wonder why you can't be here.  Life, for me was so much easier with you here.  You provided the humor and comfort that only a husband can do.  Memories that only we can share. 

Everyday, I look outside the window and think about all of the things that you have given me.  Your efforts, of course, so much more apparent after you are gone.  You really did try to change my life by simplifying it.  By taking me to a place where nature is supreme and it's beauty is within the land and water.  You knew this is what my soul needed and you worked very hard to give that to me. 

You took me everywhere, so that I may see all of our beautiful country.  Showing the the promise that all places contain.  Of the mystical, rural, isolated, busy, or wondrous places that we have been, you also showed me that the most blessed place is the place we called -home.  I miss sharing that with you.

You probably already know this, but with everything I set out to do, I think of you.  I wonder if I am doing things the right way.  You always did such a good job at anything you set your mind to and you always finished everything you started.  Since you have been gone, our oldest graduated high-school.  The youngest has been such a help as we navigate through our grief together.  He sure misses you!  Oh, I finished the dock.  I know you really wanted to get that done.  I still planted the garden.  As for the river-bank, I have made the choice to let it grow wild, but we still have the path down to the Willow.  I guess, you can see that I am just trying my best.

I haven't felt you as frequently as when you first passed away.  Sometimes, I wonder if that is because my perception is changing or if  you truly are not here as often.  I think it might be a combination of both.  The other night, before sleep, I was wondering this and realized, that in life, you spend so much of it traveling because you enjoyed the sights and experiences, so why should that be any different for you on the other-side?  But, please do not forget to check in, because I will always need you. 

I love you with all my heart!