My Heart to You

It has been so long that I have truly written here, that I barely knew my sign-in name. 2011 held my most profound moments and emotions.  I do come here, to look at how many people have visited and from where in the world they came.  This was an amateur blog, written from the heart.  I also come here to read.  Sometimes, I can read only little bits at a time; other times, I read through everything like a novel.  First, I remember every feeling and moment.  Second, I see others that I approached to contribute their writing's and also know many have passed away.  Third, I notice my lack of editing and grammatical errors.  

Still, I notice that over 15,000 people have come here.  Some, just due to a google question that went wrong.  Even if that were half of the people who came, both halves matter.  

I have barely started writing again.  This place, I was so honest and raw, that it has been hard to write again.  I have been busy, trying to find my own spirit and supporting my children.  But, when I come here to read, I know that I was honest.  This disease.  Not everyone who has Pulmonary Fibrosis has the same experience and some make different choices, plus, it is a different time.  

For my husband, this has been the most truthful account from someone who loved him.  I still do.  Love him.  The words I write are not just for the sake of raising awareness, but instead; I am a writer, that writes about difficult experiences that have come to me personally.

Thank You for coming here.  Don't be discouraged.  No matter what, reflect outward in the way that is most creative and beautiful to you.

The things I tend to read on my blog are from this period of time.  If you want to go further back, hit- Older Posts, at the bottom of the page. This represents my heart the most and is what I have the hardest time reading, but am still thankful to have every experience associated with my husband and family. 

It is a love story that I hope you read...http://breathingair1.blogspot.com/2011

~~Breathing

Since You've Been Gone~ 5 Years

Well, Honey, here we are at the 5 year mark since you passed away.  It is just you, me, and time here to commemorate this occasion.  Not sure what to do.  A part of me wishes we could raise our glasses and make a toast.  Maybe to wish each other some form of congratulation.  It really should be that way.  It may sound strange, us, clinking glasses to your leaving this world.  All I know is, I was able to survive thus far, and that has got to be worth something…

I mean, it hasn’t been easy.  Trying to embrace life became my own battle of survival.  I don’t think I am all the way there yet.  Not sure anyone gets “all the way there” in this world.  But, I have come a long way, went out on a limb or two and took some chances.  I learned to laugh in rough situations.  Began to think about my future and make decisions for me. 

As you already know, I tried dating this last year.  Only one person, and you know that took a lot for me as I have not been with anyone since you.  It was, shall I say, interesting?  I didn’t stay closed off and I opened my heart, so I am proud of me for that.  It was nice to feel pretty in someone’s eyes again. 

Still, I will never forget your eyes.  How blue and sparkly they were, the way I could see your love for me within them.  So far, Baby, you have been the best man that I have known.  Such a stand up person.  I don’t overly romanticize our love, because I also remember the look in your eyes all those times I annoyed you as well.  I still wish you were here.  I still draw hearts on my misty bathroom mirror for you.  This morning I saw the snow fall, in big heavy flakes, and my heart went to thoughts of you.

Everything I do, from raising the children, to taking care of our home and even opening my heart, I still feel that you are my confidant.  You are the person who really knows what’s going on and what it takes for me to do these things.  I believe that you help guide me.  Thank You for that.  Even though you died, I know you never truly left me. 

Let’s raise our glasses, Baby, and make a toast.  First, To Life~ which brought us together, what an amazing thing life is!   In its complete beauty that people and their generous spirits can impact the hearts of so many others.    To Us, My Darling~ and all the things we have accomplished and are still working towards no matter how simple, profound, easy, or difficult.  And Finally, To You~ for guiding me along, never abandoning me, and to your beautiful blue eyes.  

Until we meet again, my love,

~Breathing