Friday, December 20, 2013

First Cut Is The Deepest

I was sitting in the car with a song on the radio.  Rod Stewart's, First Cut Is The Deepest.  The lyrics and guitar just sang into my heart as I drove along the highway.  Empty banks of snow glowed along each side of the road and blue mountains glimmered against the sun.  Passing the big rigs, I adjusted my glasses.  I was in the moment and for sure, it would not be right if anyone noticed tears streaming down my face.  Ahhhhh, I miss my husband so much.  I really can't explain or put into words my feelings, even in that moment.  I missed him doing the driving.  Me, sitting in the passanger side, and always my hand on his leg, or his on mine.  I know he would be wearing his blue jeans.  Tiny, blonde hairs glimmering on his wrist and arms as he handles the steering wheel.  I could almost see him turn to me and smile.  An open mouthed smile, the kind one does when they have no self-consciousness.  He had a very tiny, little over-bite.  Only noticable, when he tilted his head back and smiled this way.  I loved it and always wanted to grab his face and kiss it.  He would be wearing his little round glasses while driving and that, too, drove me crazy.  I was crazy about him.  

As I drive down the road thinking of these things, I am still crazy about him.  I look around.  To the snow banks and rolling hills, as if I could see him or find him there.  But, I can only feel him in my heart and this drives me more crazy.  It feels good though.  To be alone in the car and able to let my feelings out.  I still wish he was sitting next to me.  I listen to the words of the song....

"I would have given you all of my heart
But there's someone who’s torn it apart
And she's taken just all that I had
But if you want I'll try to love again
Baby I'll try to love again but I know

The first cut is the deepest
Baby I know the first cut is the deepest
But when it come to being lucky she's cursed
When it come to loving me she's the worst
I still want you by my side
Just to help me dry the tears that I’ve cried
And I’m sure going to give you a try
And if you want I'll try to love again
Baby I'll try to love again but I know....."

I realized what I already knew.  That love is complicated.  My husband felt the way of this song when he met me.  His heart had been broken by his first, true love.  He was grieving over the end of that relationship when he met me.  He still wanted me by his side, and if I wanted, he would try to love again.  We were together many years and created a life.  He was my one and only.  I was and am still, head over heels for him. Sometimes I wonder if, when he tried to love again, did he?  But, then I see him smiling at me, in his blue-jeans......

~~First Cut Is The Deepest~~  Credits:  Songwriters: GERMAIN, BRAD / KNICKLE, ADAM / TWEEDLE, RYAN / SHIELDS, SCOTT
(cat stevens)

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