I'm a list maker. I always have been. I save all my tablets of lists from over the years so that my grandchildren could read about all the mundane things a person did, back in the old days. When my family was young, I made lists for shopping, homework and chores. When my hubby had his trucking company, I made lists of repairs and maintenance, lists for taxes. I think my hubby liked this in me. I made the lists so he didn't have to. If there was something he was forgetting, he could always look at my list - or the 'honey do' list that I made for him :)
When my hubby was diagnosed with Pulmonary Fibrosis, my list making really went into action. This is where my expertise kicked into gear. I made lists for medication, bathing, food, topics to bring up to the doctor. Lot's of stuff to list! When my hubby was on hospice, I made more lists having to do with the end of his life. Some where things I knew that I would need to do, other lists I took dictation from him. Call so-and-so. This is what I want for you and the children, ect...
I started doing this a long time ago, because I had trouble sleeping. I would toss and turn and think of the things that I thought needed to be done. I realized that writing things down eased these feelings and would help me sleep better. I also felt that it was my way of taking care of others. To know what was expected of me and what needed to be done.
After my hubby passed away, I made a list of 5 small things that were actually huge. They were some of the biggest things, I knew in my heart I needed to do. Some of the items had to do with finances, others had to do with the children, another healing. This list, for once, I didn't write down. It stayed in my head and I tossed and turned many-a-night. These were such large things to me, that one could simply give up due to the overwhelming feeling and sometimes I really wanted to. The things on the list were also connected to my life with my darling husband. A way to make him proud of me, if that is possible. So, I couldn't walk away from this list.
Today, I completed that list. I should feel proud and in some ways I do. I actually think the list has got me through this last year. It gave me a reason to go on. Now, I have finished it. I climbed a big hill and now am sitting on top of it, feeling not proud, but sad. I never thought of what I would do after climbing the big hill. I guess I will sit here and ponder it for a while.