Friday, June 15, 2012

Since You Have Been Gone (6-months)

Dear Babe,

I can't believe that is has been six months since you passed away from Pulmonary Fibrosis.  Honestly, I can't believe that I have survived this long without you.  I constantly miss your touch, laughter, comfort.  I look for you in all things and everywhere I go.  Sometimes, I think I see you in a bird in the garden, a sunset, or the way the light dances across water.  Sometimes, I think I feel you in a warm breeze, or a caress across my hair.  Sometimes, I think I hear you in words that other people speak, in music and in silence. 

I still write to you every morning.  Small messages, or questions that you only know of.  I look for your response throughout the day.  

You always apologized for your perception of me taking care of you while you were sick.  I always told you that this was the easy part, the hard part was going to be living without you.  Everyday there is so much difficulties, trials, yet beauty.  Life is bittersweet.  For moments of loveliness, I wonder why you can't be here.  In moments of hardship, I wonder why you can't be here.  Life, for me was so much easier with you here.  You provided the humor and comfort that only a husband can do.  Memories that only we can share. 

Everyday, I look outside the window and think about all of the things that you have given me.  Your efforts, of course, so much more apparent after you are gone.  You really did try to change my life by simplifying it.  By taking me to a place where nature is supreme and it's beauty is within the land and water.  You knew this is what my soul needed and you worked very hard to give that to me. 

You took me everywhere, so that I may see all of our beautiful country.  Showing the the promise that all places contain.  Of the mystical, rural, isolated, busy, or wondrous places that we have been, you also showed me that the most blessed place is the place we called -home.  I miss sharing that with you.

You probably already know this, but with everything I set out to do, I think of you.  I wonder if I am doing things the right way.  You always did such a good job at anything you set your mind to and you always finished everything you started.  Since you have been gone, our oldest graduated high-school.  The youngest has been such a help as we navigate through our grief together.  He sure misses you!  Oh, I finished the dock.  I know you really wanted to get that done.  I still planted the garden.  As for the river-bank, I have made the choice to let it grow wild, but we still have the path down to the Willow.  I guess, you can see that I am just trying my best.

I haven't felt you as frequently as when you first passed away.  Sometimes, I wonder if that is because my perception is changing or if  you truly are not here as often.  I think it might be a combination of both.  The other night, before sleep, I was wondering this and realized, that in life, you spend so much of it traveling because you enjoyed the sights and experiences, so why should that be any different for you on the other-side?  But, please do not forget to check in, because I will always need you. 

I love you with all my heart!


  1. That is beautiful .... six months is really such a short time grieving for someone you love ...still very raw for you .... I don't know about you but For me having lost my mother 2years ago from Idiopathic PF .. the times seems to stop & go by so so slow then a few weeks will fly by & you lose track of what day it is .... its very weird ... You may have fairly good few days then it hits you and you start to grieve all over again....I was so so close to my mother we were always together i simply adored her ..We spoke every day well many many times a day.. and i would call out twice a week... then when she got ill I had the privilage of taking care of her ...My father had died suddenly a year after my mother was diagnosed . so she was never left on her own once Daddy died....Even though i still cry for her .. i feel so much peace that I took care of her its truly a privilage to be able to care for someone you love .. As you know this disease has so many twists & turns .. so many frightening moments along the journey .. Unless you have witnessed first hand this disease on a daily basis noone can ever know the devastation it leaves ....its life changing .. there was so many times I thought my mother could not last another day , then the next day she would recover again.. Its a cruel cruel disease .. I think for the loved ones left behind & esp us carers PF has scarred our lives also in an emotional way .. this disease will never leave me in my heart ..I love reading your blog .. and follow you on Facebook also ....i think you are fantastic to keep updating it in memory of you husband ... HE IS LOOKING DOWN ON YOU FEELING SO MUCH PRIDE SEEING HOW STRONG YOU ARE .... take care ... xx

  2. I think i may be heading on that same journey your guy made. I hope my kids find the blessings you did.

  3. Wow!!.. Such beautiful words.
    You are a very strong person, well that's what I can see.
    I lost my son 6 months ago, tragically, I hadn't seen him for 12 months as he was working away from home. When I next saw him, he had passed away. I couldn't hold him, I couldn't talk to him, I could only look at him... I wanted to tell him so much, especially that I loved him with all my heart
    He was my first into this world and my first to leave this world... The pain of burying one of your children hurts so much,
    I wish you the best of luck with your family in the future.

  4. You show courage and strength by sharing your thoughts and feelings with us, in what must be such a difficult time in your life. I hope that you always continue to see the beauty that surrounds you, and accept the love of those who care about you. Peace be with you.