L O V E

"If you are not too long, I will wait here for you all my life."

Oscar Wilde

Dear Darling, Happy Valentine's Day.  It has been three years and two months since I have kissed you.  I miss you, Babe.  I dream of you often.  As the years have passed~ Spring, Summer, Autumn and Winter continue to flow as scheduled.  The children are growing, fine young people.  Our home, still safe and comforting.  The river so surreal, a beautiful gift everyday.  Sunrise and sunsets, with birds flying and making sounds.  The fish jumping upon waves of diamonds.  Clouds, kissed by light, whisper and beckon .  

The Stars, though, as beautiful as they are, To me, do not shine as brightly.  However, the Moon, is as mystical and glowing~ as ever before.  Blooming and ever-changing, like a Rose.  

I could go on and on.  Words really can't explain the transformations that occur moment by moment in the daily life.  For You, words do not have to.  You penetrate my heart, existing in all that my senses allow. ~~~Breathing~~~

“There is a time for departure, even when there is no certain place to go.” 

Tennessee William

****Hello, this is Breathing, I just wanted to Thank You for all the support you have given to Pulmonary Fibrosis, as well as me.  My 'counter' indicates 13,208 people have come to my blog, from many different countries.  I hope our family's experience has helped to raise awareness.  I do know this blog has helped me through such a difficult time.  I have shared with you our experience and have never held back, because most of this I typed in 'real-time'.  Now, I have transformed a bit since my husband's passing.  Not too much, but just enough to somehow realize that I have many thoughts that are better realized in my own time.  I will not post as much here, but anything that seems newsworthy to our cause will not be ignored.  Thank You my beautiful friends.  You show support just by coming here and reading this:

The word "pulmonary" means “lung” and the word "fibrosis" means scar tissue – similar to scars that you may have on your skin from an old injury or surgery. So, in its simplest sense, pulmonary fibrosis (PF) means scarring in the lungs. But, pulmonary fibrosis is more serious than just having a scar in your lung. In PF, the scar tissue builds up in the walls of the air sacs of the lungs, and eventually the scar tissue makes it hard for oxygen to get into your blood. Low oxygen levels (and the stiff scar tissue itself) can cause you to feel short of breath, particularly when walking and exercising.

Also, pulmonary fibrosis isn’t just one disease. It is a family of more than 200 different lung diseases that all look very much alike (see “Causes and Symptoms” below). The PF family of lung diseases falls into an even larger group of diseases called the “interstitial lung diseases.” Some interstitial lung diseases don't include scar tissue. When an interstitial lung disease includes scar tissue in the lung, we call it pulmonary fibrosis.

The most common symptoms of PF are cough and shortness of breath. Symptoms may be mild or even absent early in the disease process. As the lungs develop more scar tissue, symptoms worsen. Shortness of breath initially occurs with exercise, but as the disease progresses patients may become breathless while taking part in everyday activities, such as showering, getting dressed, speaking on the phone, or even eating.

Due to a lack of oxygen in the blood, some people with idiopathic pulmonary fibrosis may also have “clubbing” of the fingertips. Clubbing is a thickening of the flesh under the fingernails, causing the nails to curve downward. It is not specific to IPF and occurs in other diseases of the lungs, heart, and liver, and can also be present at birth.

Other common symptoms of pulmonary fibrosis include:

• Chronic dry, hacking cough
• Fatigue and weakness
• Discomfort in the chest
• Loss of appetite
• Unexplained weight loss

The Pulmonary Fibrosis Foundation is here to help you understand what it means to have pulmonary fibrosis. You can always reach us through our Patient Communication Center at 844.Talk.PFF or by email at pcc@pulmonaryfibrosis.org.

~~~~For my Baby, On Valentine's Day~~~~

"FIELDS OF GOLD"

You'll remember me when the west wind moves
Upon the fields of barley
You'll forget the sun in his jealous sky
As we walk in fields of gold

So she took her love
For to gaze awhile
Upon the fields of barley
In his arms she fell as her hair came down
Among the fields of gold

Will you stay with me, will you be my love
Among the fields of barley
We'll forget the sun in his jealous sky
As we lie in fields of gold

See the west wind move like a lover so
Upon the fields of barley
Feel her body rise when you kiss her mouth
Among the fields of gold
I never made promises lightly
And there have been some that I've broken
But I swear in the days still left
We'll walk in fields of gold
We'll walk in fields of gold

Many years have passed since those summer days
Among the fields of barley
See the children run as the sun goes down
Among the fields of gold
You'll remember me when the west wind moves
Upon the fields of barley
You can tell the sun in his jealous sky
When we walked in fields of gold
When we walked in fields of gold
When we walked in fields of gold

~~~A Pulmonary Fibrosis Merry Christmas~~~

Merry Christmas to You~ 

The One with Pulmonary Fibrosis fighting each day to live a life fulfilled.  

The Caregiver, tirelessly assisting and supporting your loved one.  

The Child, holding the hand of your loved one and letting them hear your laughter.  

The Friend, who offers a shoulder to lean on and an ear to listen.  

The Bereaved,  bravely taking one step at a time forward, living to honor the spirit of their loved one.  

The Doctor or Nurse, trying their best to understand and treat the symptoms.  

The Researcher, searching to discover more about the causes and cure. 

The Advocate, creatively seeking to spread the word about Pulmonary Fibrosis.  

We All make a beautiful team, a family.  

To You~ My Pulmonary Fibrosis Family may you experience the magical love of this season 

in the most profound way.  

Many more treasured memories with each day of the New Year.  

~Breathing

Check Your Status~ Single? Married? Or, It's Complicated Grief?

If your like me and not sure which status to check, I found an interesting article that may add some helpful insight. ~Breathing

http://www.mayoclinic.org/diseases-conditions/complicated-grief/basics/definition/con-20032765

Thankful

Thanksgiving Day and so much to feel blessed for~ I feel blessed for nature and all of its beauty, for kind people with warm hearts who are thoughtful of others, living a life full of adventure, laugher~ I love laughter, my children~ that they are creative and healthy, and that I am here~ still Breathing.  I hope you have many reasons to feel blessed today  Happy Thanksgiving!

It's The Simple Things That Are Important~ Written By: Christy Mccullough

Five years....five years that my life was changed forever. The day I was told and crying coming out of that office and not even knowing what exactly it was I had but knew I would have to have a lung biopsy. How could this be happening to me? What would my life be like? So many things running through my head and not knowing where to turn. I didn't even know what Interstitial Lung Disease was and what life was going to become. It took me until after the New Year to even realize what was happening and longer to tell family how bad it was. 

I went through stages of denial, grief, anger. The thought of never seeing my children graduate, not being there to help my daughter pick a wedding gown, never seeing my grandchildren. Why was this happening to me? I thought my life was over. My children, family, and friends would watch me die slowly and there was nothing I could do. But I was wrong. I was not raised to give up and I have been through many things that I came out of and I would keep fighting not for me, but for my kids. To know that mama doesn't give up and show them you keep fighting no matter what. 

Days are not always easy. I gained weight from meds and lost my self confidence of not just as a person but as also being a woman. I can no longer breathe as easy and do things like I could. I don't like asking for help, never have. And hate when I can no longer do things as I could before without having to stop cause I can't breathe. I would never be the same person as I once was. 

I found support though with family and friends and also support groups in which those people have now become like family.  I can't say that it's not hard as it was but I have come to terms that one day my time will come. We all leave this world one day but somehow it's different when you know that you only have so long and there's nothing you can do about it. The one thing you do know is that you live. Live everyday. It's funny that at times I forget that I'm sick and have a moment like why am I coughing so much and remember~ oh yeah "lol"! Five years of coughing so hard you break your ribs, Five years of changing how you do things, five years to learn that it's the simple things that are important. 

So many people take for granted the little things, little things as just being able to breathe. Be grateful for the little things and never take life for granted. I have made the five year mark and plan on fighting till the end. I thank God for giving me the chance to wake up and try again everyday. I thank God for the family and friends who love me and give me the strength I need at times and a husband who has done more than support me in every way everyday.

**Thank You, Christy for allowing me to share your thoughts and to help lend hope for those diagnosed with Pulmonary Fibrosis to know that it is a learning process and perhaps, somewhere within that process is a deeper understanding of the things that are truly valuable in our lives.**  

~~~Breathing~~~

Pulmonary Fibrosis and Panic Attacks

Over the years, I have heard many people with Pulmonary Fibrosis mention that they experience severe panic attacks.  It seems understandable that this would occur because many have difficulty breathing as part of their illness.  When I Google or look up panic attacks, many of the writings are geared toward people who generally have these experiences, but I cannot find much in writing or resources that specifically deal with this occurring while on oxygen and having a terminal illness.  

Though panic attacks can be severely debilitating, it seems that much of the literature indicates to face the fears you have and realize that the percentage of them actually coming true is very low.  With Pulmonary Fibrosis, I think this does not apply, as often the source of the panic has to do with the fear of not getting enough air, which is a very real scenario to PF patients.

I remember my husband experiencing quite a few of these attacks.  Some where quite severe.  He would flail his arms in desperation of getting more O2, but in reality, he was pulling the O2 out of his nose and knocking down canisters.  Another time he was so desperate for more air, that although he had a portable O2 container turned on and in his noes, that he picked up the portable and began trying to suck air out of the handle itself.  It was very heartbreaking to see.

As a caregiver going through this with him, I had to learn to keep calm and be very deliberate in my voice and actions.  No rushing, although he was in panic mode, I could not allow myself to rush about the room. Why?  If his surroundings were chaotic during these episodes, it only made the situation worse. If he could not be calm, then I had to for the both of us.  

Touching him during this time had to be thought out.  Rather than rubbing his back, I would place my palm flat on his back and hold it still.  Everything had to come down a notch, including my voice.  Speaking in a low, soft tone can be more helpful rather than an elevated voice.    

Helping him to focus assisted in bringing down the heightened nature of a panic attack.  If he was scared he didn't have enough air, I would put the pulse-oximeter onto his finger for both of us to check it.  Getting him to look at it helped gain focus.  If his SAT's were low, I turned up his O2 and gently let him know they will start rising soon.  Let's watch them rise together.  

These attacks sometimes came during a coughing episode, or would bring a coughing episode on.  By the time they passed, all of his energy was spent.  It took so much out of him to go through this.  I wanted to minimize this happening and looked at the different scenarios in which they occurred in the past.  I tried to notice patterns.

I noticed that many of them occurred before his showers.  Showering becomes a difficult task for someone with PF.  The moisture and steam in the air, the use of your arms to lather, the slipperiness of the tub, the water on the floor, the energy used to dry off, all become monumental.  There was no such thing as a quick shower anymore.  Understanding that and blocking out an appropriate amount of time eased the task.  As a caregiver, making sure everything was ready for him also helped.

We were provided a slew of drugs while he was on hospice. One of them was a liquid dose of Larazapam.  This was specifically provided to ease anxiety.  In this form, it did help but was something that worked in only the short-term and the dose might be given several times a day, depending on what kind of a day he was having.  At first, when all this was new to us, we administered a dose during his panic attacks as a way to help him calm down.  As time passed and we recognized the patterns of his panic attacks, we realized that the best time for him to take this was prior to his shower.  Before he felt the anxiety.

Everything we did had to do with preventing them in the first place.  Thinking ahead of any given situation, allowing the proper amount of time and preparing in advance seemed to help the most.  As he changed, we were flexible enough to change the preparations to assist his needs.

Everybody is different.  One thing I noticed and found rather unexpected, was that Morphine worked the opposite than what we thought it would do.  We thought it would help with his pains and help him to relax.  It did help with pain, although I noticed a pattern with that as well.  His form was a liquid Morphine taken orally.  At first administration, he would become somewhat sleepy, so we found that, for him, taking it after a shower and lunch would allow for a nice little nap.  I noticed that after an hour or two, he would become restless in his sleep and literally wake up in a panic.  While he was at this period, he suddenly felt he needed 5 things all at once and at first, not seeing the pattern of his reaction to this drug, I would run around the room trying to satisfy his every need.  It took a little time to recognize this pattern and having something soothing for him when he awoke, such as a cup of tea, seemed to decrease this.  

I have also read that certain foods may increase the possibility of panic attacks.  Too much sugar or caffeine might bring them on more frequently.  

Much of this is written from a caregiver's standpoint, yet, there are many people with PF who experience this and do not have any assistance.  This can be very frightening.  It might be a good idea to visit with your doctor to discuss these attacks if they are too frequent, or preventing you from daily enjoyment.  My husband was not on an anti-depressant, although some people say that this has helped them a great deal. Having a phone near-by or discussing this with your friends or family may give you additional support.  Of course, learning to change your focus from what is causing the panic to something else would help, but is one of the hardest things to do.  

Here are some links that may provide further insight (I will put a question mark after each topic, because not all of these will be helpful to everyone, but, maybe there is one for you.)  Be sure to speak with your doctor regarding any questions you may have before starting medications or natural supplements.  

Meditation? 

Harvard Yoga Scientists Find Proof of Meditation Benefit - http://www.bloomberg.com/news/2013-11-22/harvard-yoga-scientists-find-proof-of-meditation-benefit.html

Tea?

Best Teas For Stress and Anxiety- http://www.doctoroz.com/article/best-teas-stress-and-anxiety

Points of Focus? 

How To Stop Panic Attacks- http://www.healthyplace.com/anxiety-panic/panic-disorder/how-to-stop-panic-attacks-and-prevent-panic-attacks/

Diet?  

9 Foods That Help or Hurt Anxiety- http://www.everydayhealth.com/anxiety-pictures/anxiety-foods-that-help-foods-that-hurt-0118.aspx

Pharmacy?  

Drug options for treating Anxiety/ Depression- http://www.webmd.com/anxiety-panic/

Herbal?

19 Natural Remedies for Anxiety- http://www.health.com/health/gallery/0,,20669377,00.html

Peer Support?  

Pulmonary Fibrosis Foundation Support Groups-  http://www.pulmonaryfibrosis.org/life-with-pf/support-groups