I Would Do It All Over Again ~A shared story of John and Susan~

Susan wrote her heart out after the recent passing of her husband John.  She has been kind enough to share their story with us~

My Husband was given 18 months to live back on February 14^th, 2007.  He was diagnosed with Pulmonary Fibrosis, Pulmonary Hypertension, Emphysema and later with an AAA and A Fractured T12.  Eighteen months came and went.  Then, we started our ride on the roller coaster from Hell.  I watched the Love of my life change from a strong, hard working man to a man who spent 24/7 in bed.  Only able to get up to go to the bathroom and who had to wear a catheter for three years. 

He would try not to let me know how bad it hurt.  He would think I was sleeping and he would scream and be crying.  He had an e-coli urinary track infection for over four years.  Over six years and three months later, we would ride the coaster over and over again.  He would always get so close to dying- over 10 times and every time he would bounce back.   

There were things he wanted to happen before he left this world.  He wanted to see our sons again.  They came at Easter.  He wanted to live long enough to see the adoption happen.  The adoption was final on April 11, 2013.  He wanted my Social Security and Disability Insurance to come through, so I would have an income. 

Hospice took the choice for him dying at home away from me.  He had to be taken to the hospital on  Thursday, May 2, 2013.  Everyone kept saying- They didn’t know John.  He could bounce back just like before.  I didn’t think so.  John stopped breathing three times on his way to the hospital.  The hospice nurse was in the ambulance with him and gave him his Roxanol and his Oxygen would go up.  I had that gut feeling that this was it.  Six years and three months, at this point, seemed like a mere few days...

Around 4:45 p.m., I got a phone call that my Social Security and Disability Insurance had been approved.  I told John and he started crying.  I told him everything he wanted to happen, had happened.  He was able to talk as they tried to make him comfortable.  I had told the nurses that if it looked like he was going to go to wake me up, and at 2:15 a.m., they woke me up. 

I was laying beside him and I leaned over and laid my head on him and hugged him.  His Oxygen shot up to 77 and his heart rate 100.  I had stopped his passing.  I cried and cried because that meant he had to suffer longer.  The nurses said that he had enough medicine in him to put two grown men on ventilators.  He finally settled down and I talked to him and told him ~It was time to let go and go to Heaven.

He kept trying to pick up our Chihuahua, Poco, who died on March 13, 2011, and our cat Gizmo, who died in 1999.  I had just put on one of his favorite songs, Amazing Grace (My Chains are Gone) and was telling him that he wasn’t alone.  I was right there with him.  He lifted his head and glanced at me. 

I said, “It’s okay, John Baby.  I love you so much Baby.  It is finished.  The battle is over.”

He held my hand as we laid there.  He pulled his arm away and laid it on his stomach.  I hit the nurses button and they came running.  But, My Baby was gone.  I walked over to the window to look out while they took care of him.  I didn’t want to see his face. 

The nurses left the room.  We were alone.  I got my stuff together and as I was leaving, I went to his head and laid my face on his ear and talked to him.  Told him Thank you for 25 wonderful years and that I loved him and would do it all over again.  I kissed his forehead.  I started to leave the room, when, I had a very strong urge to look at him.  So, I turned and looked at him.  As tears streamed down my face, I smiled.  John had the most peaceful look on his face that I have ever seen.  No look of pain or torment.  Just Peace.  I am so glad I looked back.  It is a memory I will not forget. 

~Susan Stevenson Lee~

Rain Song

There is a song that I love and in it the lyrics say, "I've felt the coldness of my Winter".  I have sang that many times and thought I knew what the words meant.  At this moment, in my part of the world it is Springtime.  Many areas are still dealing with a late Winter, causing people to wonder when the beauty of Spring will come and the Sun will shine upon their faces and bodies.

I want to share something with you. For the last while, I have been secretly wishing Spring away.  I have been content in my Winter.  With the dark hours and safety of my dwelling, I am in my little cocoon.  Safe.  When the rays of sunshine began to peak out and the days grew longer, my heart was filled with anxiety.  I looked outside my window...

I thought about how my husband was a 'Boy of Summer'.  His tan skin and sparkling eyes, like water.  He enjoyed every moment in the sunshine.  I used to be the same as he.  We both would awake in the early morning hours and work in our yard.  Silent, yet somehow dancing to our own music.  We, together, were ambitious in seizing the day.  Working hard to preserve our simple home and encouraging the flowers to bloom.  As the days grew warmer, we ended our daily dance by jumping in the river.  Soothing and sweet the water rushing through us.  Then, we lazily ended our day blissfully lying around, looking at the birds and the sky.  Talking about this and that.

As I looked outside my window, maybe I saw him in everything Spring.  Maybe I was scared that somehow, I must step outside and find the gumption to work on all the unfinished projects that were left behind.  Maybe, I was scared of what others would see of me.  Could they see how alone and afraid I felt?  I couldn't have that.  It overwhelmed me.  I walked away from the window and wished Spring away.  I want to snuggle back into my quilt and stay there. 

Days grew warmer and I stayed in my quilt.  It is a conscious decision.  I know, because I contemplated the repercussions of withdrawing from the world.  It would surely take it's toll on my body and health.  My spirit and creativity.  But, I didn't know how to start. 

In a moment of giving up or maybe it was reaching out, I grabbed the phone book and called a landscaper.  I know it doesn't sound very profound.  But, it took a lot to just do that.  In some ways, I had to admit to myself that I could not do it all.  The gentleman came out and I showed him all of the unfinished projects around the house.  He wrote me a bid.  "Excuse Me?"  I thought when I saw the price.  I let him know I would sleep on it.  That night, I held the bid in my hands and mentally asked for guidance from my husband.  I didn't receive an answer, but knew if he had been here, he would say, "What are you doing?  You know I can do all that!"  ~But You are not here.  As I looked at everything listed, I chose the top two priorities and the next day, called the landscaper back to schedule the work. 

In the meantime, I put on my gardening shoes.  Found my old gloves and stepped outside to work on the other items that I could not afford.  I felt the Sun on my face and my hands in the dirt.  I worked and worked and the kids joined me.  I worked until my bones ached.  But, it felt good.  I continued to add to my list and today I feel the glory of the day.  I see the birds flying and beautiful sky.  I feel closer to my husband.  Each day, I wake up and can't wait to meander around the yard.  I feel a lightness in my heart.  It feels like living. 

Sometimes, it is true that it takes just one, little, tiny action to get the ball rolling.  It gains momentum and the 'Coldness of my Winter' has passed ~At least for this day, and today is all that matters.

Excursions

This weekend my youngest son and I took an excursion into the city.  It was for his annual cardiology appointment.  He was born with a congenitial heart defect called Tricuspid Atresia.  He is now 13 and has had three open heart surgeries.  We monitor it every year.  One day, he may need a heart transplant, although his doctor indicated he is doing very well at this time :)  This made us very happy!  We brought the old camera that I found in the drawer and took a few pictures.  xoxo

New Perspectives

The other day I was looking through a drawer and I found my old camera.  It has been a long time that I have used it.  I took many pictures with that old thing :)  Some of the pictures were loving or goofy times shared with my family.  Some pictures were for my, then- blog, River-Rose.  Other pictures were for my local newspaper.  But, all the pictures taken were for me.  I really love taking photos. 

I have blown the dust of the camera and hope I still know how to use it.  I am going to take a teeny-tiny bit of time for myself and hopefully, return with some new and fresh perspectives through the eye of my lens. All of which, I am going to share with you!  xoxo 

Soul SAT's

Oxygen Saturation (SAT): 

Oxygen is vital for human survival. All the cells in our body need a certain amount of oxygen to carry out their duties. Oxygen saturation is the amount of oxygen that red blood cells carry, which attach to hemoglobin molecules. Normal saturation levels are 95 to 99 percent. Typically, a person will only reach 100 percent when supplemental oxygen is used. It's when saturation levels fall below 90 percent that the body begins to suffer adverse effects.  (via eHow.com)

 

The above photo is of an Oxygen Saturation journal that I kept while caring for my husband.  We usually took his SAT measurements when he was resting, then right after activity, such as a bath.  We documented how far his SAT levels dropped and how long they took to recover.  It was helpful for my husband and I to see how we could adjust his Oxygen intake according to his needs. 

 

As the description above indicates, that Oxygen is vital for human survival.  If the saturation level drops below certain levels then it can affect the rest of the body.  When my husbands SAT's dropped, he became tired and listless.

 

This has me wondering if the Soul or Spirit within us needs its own nourishment, just as our body does.  After my husband passed away, I spent a great deal of time in shock.  I dealt with this loss by realizing all the things that needed to be done around me and I busied myself with this.  As I wrote previously, I created a list of goals to achieve and set about achieving them all. 

 

Now, I seem to be taking a time out.  Wondering to myself what list of goals I should create next.  I sat down and started writing all of my goals, whether planting a garden or painting the house.  I know these are positive things.  But, I just sit and look at the list.  Stumped as to where to start.  My heart does not seem to be in it.  I have realized that may be because my soul needs nourishment so that it can breathe and grow.  To listen to my soul, my spirit.  To give it nourishment, feed it new oxygen.  I want to put that at the top of my list.

Water

When you were born, you were cleansed in it

Thirsty, you drank from it

Playfully, you splashed in it

In Sadness, it rained upon you

With Loneliness, it froze and drifted from the sky,

 Love, you threw in rose petals

Comfort, it gave you in illness

Spiritually, it renewed you

You, just like Water, slipped through my hands.

Never Throw Diamonds

The morning after my first date with my husband, I was on the phone with my sister.  Girl talk. 

"I can't believe I kissed him!  No, it was only one kiss.  Yes, I know he is practically a stranger, I barely know him.  You know I never do that!  I don't know what happened.  He's not even my type, he is like a cowboy or something....  All of a sudden, he just leaned over and we kissed!  It was a good kiss.  I haven't kissed in a year!  ((giggles))  No, I doubt he will call, it was probably a one time thing, hang on for a sec okay?  There is someone at the door......."  

"Sis?  Oh my God!  You will never believe who was at the door!  Someone delivering roses!  Hang on, let me read the card... It's from him, it says 'Thank You for spending time with me, Love, ~R."  "Yes, they are red!! There is one daisy in the center, they are beautiful!  But, the card said 'Love'.  Uh Oh, it was only one date and one kiss and the card says 'Love'.  No, I don't think he is a stalker!  I hope not.  I'll call you back!"

That was the beginning of all the roses.  He wasn't a stalker, but he did stalk me with a dozen roses every single week for a year.  We went out on several dates, sometimes we went on motorcycle rides, and that one time- I will never forget, when we got brave enough to karaoke for the first time.  I brought my purse up to the stage so we could dash out the door when the song was over.  We sang Leather and Lace. 

I was very reserved about us.  Since I had very small children, I made up a rule that he could not meet my children until we had dated for six-months.  I figured that was good time to get to know someone.  By our third-month together, he told me he loved me.  I never said it back.  Around Christmas time, it was our six-month mark in our relationship and I had fallen deeply in love with him.  That was when I had told him this.  We were right beside the Christmas tree and I gave him his gift.  It was a homemade present.  A picture and a frame.  He handed me my box and I shook it and it sounded like jewelry.  I opened the box and it was a lovely pearl necklace and earring set.  My eyes got all watery and I was so happy for this present.  Every girl loves to get jewelry from a man they love.  It's not so much the jewels as it is the thought behind it.  He laughed at me and I couldn't understand why, until he gave me a separate box, very exquisitely wrapped.  I slowly opened it and this time, I saw a diamond necklace and earrings.  This was a very serious present. I treasured the necklace and always wore it.

As the months passed, the roses kept coming.  I kept wearing my necklace.  I found myself unable to imagine this person not being in my life.  I wanted a future with him.  He met the children, and I met his.  We did everything together.  One day, in Spring, he suddenly told me that he was just going to move on.  We didn't even have a fight, he just told me it was over.  I felt so played by him.  This whole time, I was the reserved one.  I kept it slow.  What did I do?  I got very, very, mad.  Even more mad as I watched him getting into his truck.  I grabbed my jewelry box from Christmas.  The one with the diamond necklace and earrings, opened my window and threw the box out toward his leaving truck.  Then, I went to bed and cried into my pillow.  The end?

A few weeks passed, and I have to say, from all the times I thought I was in love with someone, I never dreamt about them every night.  But, I did with him.  Every single night I dreamt of him.  His best friend was my neighbor, and when we talked he said the only thing he could think of is that he got "cold feet".  After all, he was about 10 years older than me and was divorced from a twenty-year marriage.  Maybe, he just did not want to try again at this point in his life... I contemplated this.  If it was not meant to be, then it's not meant to be.  I felt regret for the box I threw out the window.  I still loved him and he still touched my life, I wished I still had something of his.  At the risk of looking like a crazy lady, I went to  all of my neighbor's homes asking if they happened to find a box of diamonds in the road.  No one had found it.  I even ran an add in the paper with a reward.  But nothing.

One day, I stepped outside to check my mail and saw his truck parked at my neighbors house.  How dare he even drive onto my street!  I then saw that he was in his truck and he pulled into my driveway.  He asked me to get in.  I remember it was sprinkling rain.  My heart was loud in my chest and I hoped he couldn't hear it.  He talked to me, he told me his fears.  He told me he was scared.  I watched the rain drops run down the window as he talked.  Then, he told me, "Happy Valentine's Day."  He handed me a box.  I unwrapped it and it was a beautiful rose-wood box.  So pretty.  I cried because the box was beautiful.  He laughed and said the box was not the present and to open it.  I opened the box and there was the earrings and necklace I had thrown into the road.  He explained that they are not the originals.  He had heard what I had done and went back to the jeweler.  They did not carry my necklace and earrings anymore.  He had them recreate an exact duplicate.  Who does that?  My man did. 

If you read my blog, many of our personal stories sound as though our Love was perfect.  I really wanted to write this to let you know that our love was not always perfect.  We had a lot of passion and with that comes ups and downs.  We grew together.  I always wondered who ended up with my original set.  It was a good lesson for me to learn as there were many times in our marriage that he upset me.  But, I never, ever, threw something from his heart away. No, our love was not perfect, but I can say, it was real. 

xoxo

Things He Did

Thinking about my husband today.  He had very soft blonde hair.  It was silky and curled around my fingers.  He kept it a little on the long side, the back of his hair just touching his collar.  He parted it in the middle.  I used to suggest he try a different part and he would let me play with it in the mirror.  I would try parting it from the side and we would just laugh and laugh because it just wasn't normal for him to look that way. 

I have mentioned his laugh lines.  They were fine and tender.  They gave the appearance of wisdom and kindness, framed around his knowing blue eyes.  A blue that was like the sky on a summer day, with little glimmers and sparkles, like when the sun catches on water. 

His hands and arms were very strong.  His skin was golden, highlighted by the light hair that glistened on his arms and down to his wrists.  I always thought he had very thoughtful wrists and I loved to rub my fingers along his wrist to those big strong hands.  We used to put our hands against each other's and his fingers would tower over mine.  This used to amuse him and he would say, "Just look at what a little girl you are!"  When he picked out my wedding ring and placed it on my finger for the first time, it was a perfect fit.  I wondered how he knew my ring size and he told me it was easy, he just tried it on his pinky-finger. 

Everywhere we went, no matter what.  He would jump out of the truck and literally run over to my side to open my door and let me out.  He always opened every door for me.  At first, I was not used to this, but over the years it became something I did not think about. I just got used to it.  But, I am sure he thought about it, since he was the one doing it and for that, I think it was very sweet. 

It was the same way when we walked together.  Most often, he would grab my hand and tuck it into the crook of his folded arm.  There were times when we were mad at each other.  We could be really, really mad at each other, but when it came time to walk somewhere I would wait to see if he would grab my hand, and he most always did.  There were a couple of times, he did not reach for my hand, so I would reach for his.  That usually ended our arguments.

When we dined out we always asked for a booth.  We always sat on the same side of the booth.  Even if it was just us, alone.  We could sit and talk, or sit in silence, but we always sat side-by-side.  Now, when I go out and see an older couple sitting on the same side of the table, it makes me smile and think of him.

At night, I usually laid my head upon his shoulder.  Never mind whatever happened that day.  The problems of the world just melted away, being lulled by his arm around me and the sound of his breathing.  When it came to actual sleep, we were not spooners.  We preferred our own little space in bed.  Just before the lights went out, even if I were half asleep, he would say, " I Love You" and kiss me.  Then we would roll over, facing in opposite directions; but our feet, beneath the blankets, always touched. 

His wedding ring, I wear beneath my own wedding ring.  It is loose and wiggly there, but my ring on top of it keeps it snug.  I do not know the etiquette of a widow wearing her wedding ring.  To me it really doesn't matter.  I think I would feel lost without it.